I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
