he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
