im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
