My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
