i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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