i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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