Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
