I should be sponsored by Trojan
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Randomize
