I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
