I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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