How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
