Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize