Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize