Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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