I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
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