grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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