a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
