i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
