my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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