my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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