There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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