I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
