Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
