Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
