Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
