So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
