he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
God, I missed his penis.
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