My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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