i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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