I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
