my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
