Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
