I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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