Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
