can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
