listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
