A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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