last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
