I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Of course I have a pirate flag
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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