You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
