I wish my penis had an off switch
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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