Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
i think my cat just said my name.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
