Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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