You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
