If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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