He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
