Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
