I think my fart just growled at me.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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