the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
