my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I checked into jail on foursquare
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize