I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
