I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize