she looked like the before picture.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
