i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
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