I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
