you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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