I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize