3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
