May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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